Lead Like a Parent

If you’re like many leaders, your first response to this title is this: “Exactly, I have to lead like a parent because my people act like children.” If that’s your response, think again … if your people are acting like children, then they’ve likely been made to feel like children by you. It’s perhaps a harsh truth, but a truth nonetheless. More importantly, the concept of leading like a parent comes from the perspective that parenting essentials are strong foundations for effective leadership.

Let’s test this premise by exploring an example of a parenting decision and seeing how it translates into leadership. Imagine that your son or daughter is typically a B student, and comes home with a report card showing three A’s and three B’s. Which of the following is your initial response?

1. I knew you could do better. If you had worked just a little harder, you could have gotten all A’s. Let’s see if you can do even better next semester.
2. That’s fantastic. Congratulations on a great effort and a great result. I’m excited for you.
3. That’s fantastic. I’ve been noticing how you’ve been much more focused and working harder this last semester. Congratulations on a great effort and a great result. I’m excited for you.
4. What did you do differently this past semester to achieve these better grades? If you can do that consistently next semester, you’ll be able to do this all the time and probably improve all your grades.

Hopefully, you chose either number 2 or number 3, but let’s assess the difference between the four responses. An initial key point is that every one of them comes from a place of wanting your son or daughter to improve their results. In addition, each of them has an element of encouragement, but the message and likely impact of each is very different.

Number 1 has an element of recognition in it (“I knew you could do better”), but it quickly moves into the so-called encouragement and telling the child that what they did was not good enough (work harder, and the expectation is for all A’s). I’m guessing that most children would not feel encouraged by this response.

Skipping to Number 4, it’s both less effective and more effective than Number 1. It’s less effective because it offers no recognition of the effort or success. It’s more effective because it’s intended to help the child learn what the difference was in achieving their results, continue the improved results and get even better results in the future. However, the absence of any recognition will likely leave the child feeling dismissed and deflated, hearing a message that their achievement was not good enough (and likely that theyare not good enough).

Hopefully, it’s clear to you that Numbers 2 and 3 are the most effective and empowering responses, but there is a difference between them. While they both express recognition, appreciation and encouragement, Number 3 is more effective because it includes more details of what you’ve observed in their efforts, which does a better job of communicating the message that you’re seeing the child (and their efforts), and that goes beyond the more general appreciation and recognition.

You’ll notice that neither response includes something about being proud of them, and that’s on purpose. Connecting pride with success can communicate a message that you’re only proud of them if and when they have success. Instead, it includes the phrase “I’m excited for you,” which is about them and not your opinion of them.

Now that we’ve explored these parenting examples, let’s compare this to a leadership opportunity in the workplace. Imagine that your team member has improved their productivity in some measurable way. Which of the following is your initial response?

1. I knew you could do better. If you had worked just a little harder, you could have improved your productivity even more. Let’s see if you can improve even more over the next month.
2. That’s fantastic. Congratulations on a great effort and a great result. I’m excited for you and the team.
3. That’s fantastic. I’ve been noticing how you’ve been much more focused and working harder this last month. Congratulations on a great effort and a great result. I’m excited for you and the team.
4. What did you do differently this past month to improve your productivity? If you can do that consistently next month, you’ll be able to do this all the time and be a more significant contributor to the team.

I’m hoping you would again choose Number 3 for the same reasons listed above. Notice that I’ve added a reference to the team, which lets them know that they’re not only part of the team, but that their efforts and results are making a difference for the entire team.

As above, Numbers 1 and 4 have the same likely negative or disempowering messages and impact in them. This is obvious when we look at these alternative responses, BUT think about how often you as a leader default to Number 1 or Number 4 and miss the opportunity to uplift, encourage, bless and empower your team members. This often happens because we’re in a hurry to get to the next thing or the next improvement opportunity, which is why team members often complain that they do not feel appreciated, seen or valued. They also regularly report feeling like their efforts and improvements are never enough.

Just like the role of a parent, the good intentions are there – to support your team members in improving for their benefit and for the entire team – but these good intentions miss the mark. Perhaps, it’s because we as leaders too often think that our adult team members don’t need to be encouraged and supported like children. And that’s the miss.

Your team members are not children, but the core of parenting is about loving, nurturing, supporting, encouraging, teaching and empowering our children to believe in themselves, to improve and grow, and to achieve. Isn’t this precisely what we want for and from our team members? This is certainly what leaders do.

If you want to witness a fundamental shift and improvement in your team members’ engagement, commitment, performance and outcomes, make your own shift and lead like a parent.

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